Caring For An Aging Parent: I Am My Father’s Daughter

Today I am writing about my father on Father’s Day. This is not a father-daughter relationship post that celebrates our relationship on Father’s Day, but I am sharing information on how to care for your aging parent out of love and devotion. I hope you will find this post helpful.

We all think we will live a full and happy life as we age if we take care of ourselves, eat a healthy diet, get exercise, and live alone without help. But many of us do not plan for the what-ifs.  No matter our age, we all strive for and enjoy independence.  Even our elderly parents want to live independently in their homes, but at some point, they may not be able to live on their own.

Without warning, something that you may not have planned for enters your life and changes the dynamics of your relationship with your parents. My father’s fall in mid-April in his home in Florida changed the dynamics of my relationship with him. I was suddenly put in charge of my father’s welfare and finances. He’s been in a rehab facility because of the pressure wounds he suffered from his fall.

Because dad is in a rehab facility I have been paying his bills and planning for his future living near me in Atlanta. I feel it’s important for him to near family here than to be down in Florida where no one is around to check on him. All his neighbors go north in the summer. My mother lives near my baby brother in Minnesota but she also has people in her small town also checking on her daily.

Caring for an Aging Parent

The moment I learned that my father was in the hospital because of his fall, I immediately started to do research on what needed to be done for dad and my role as his daughter. I found A Place For Mom to be an invaluable resource for me. I needed tools to guide me on this new journey with him. Fortunately, I have amazing brothers who also on this journey with me. Having the support of my family has been a blessing. Everyone is doing their part to make sure that dad will have the best life now.

Getting a Plan in Place

We have never really discussed anything other than his will and were so surprised when he would avoid conversations about getting old. He would say “everything is taken care of” but it wasn’t.

My father in law who is 90, has a plan in place when it gets to a point where he can’t live on his own anymore. My husband is his executor and years ago had made sure his father gave him all the important paperwork and documents.

The Will and other Important Documents for Your Aging Parents

I have been making many trips on the weekends to see dad in Florida but so are my brothers. We started to organize his home and gather his financial and medical documents. His home told us a story of how he was living the last few years and how he never threw away anything! We spent days shredding important papers. He had folders of tax information going back to 1995.

Thankfully, my father has a will in place that gave me durable power of attorney to oversee his finances. He also has a living will which makes it easier for me and my brothers to address any medical issues.  All decisions I make on behalf of my father are always agreed upon by my brothers.

Important Financial paperwork for the elderly:

• A list of all bank accounts
• Pension documents, 401(k) information, and annuity contracts
• Tax returns
• Savings bonds, stock certificates, or brokerage accounts
• Partnership and corporate operating agreements
• Deeds to all properties
• Vehicle titles
• Documentation of loans and debts, including all credit accounts
• Log in and Passwords to every financial account written down in a journal
• Power of attorney (financial proxy)

Regardless of your parents are in good or bad health, it’s vital that your parents have a living will. This document includes their general wishes and cares instructions regarding life support, the donation of organs, and other medical issues. This is also known as a health care or advanced directive.

Important Health Care documents:

• Health care proxy or power of attorney
• Authorization to release health care information
• A living will (health care directive)
• Personal medical history
• Insurance card (Medicare, Medicaid, Independent)
• Long-term care insurance policy
• Emergency information sheet

Essential end-of-life and estate planning documents :

• A will
• Trust documents
• Life-insurance policies
• End-of-life instructions letter (regarding wishes or items not covered in a will, for example regarding memorial terms)
• Actions letter (regarding wishes or items not covered in a will, for example regarding memorial terms)

Where are Your Aging Parents Going to Live?

With the help of an agent through A Place for Mom, I started investigating living options for my father. I checked out Florida home care services and assisted living communities in Naples, Florida. I also investigated assisted living communities near me in Atlanta. Private care in Florida is about $20,000 a month for the help dad needs which is daily help, 10 hours a day. Assisted living costs are half of that if not less.

• Living at Home

We all want to live in our homes for as long as we can. For instance, many people plan to stay in their homes and redesign to accommodate their needs for aging in place. As an interior designer, I have been educated on universal design and apply this concept to every home I design for over 50 clients. Safety and accessibility are key home concerns as we get older. Here are some safety tips that your parents can incorporate in their homes if they plan to live on their own.

Sometimes living at home with a caregiver is another option but it’s expensive compared to living in an assisted living community. However, when someone requires more than four or five hours of home care a day, assisted living may be the better choice financially.

• Living with a relative

If your parents can no longer live on their own, one option is moving them into your home. But how do you know if this arrangement is right for you and your family? Read this very informative article.

• Senior Living/ Independent communities

Independent living is simply any housing arrangement designed exclusively for older adults, generally those aged 55 and over. Housing varies widely, from apartment-style living to single-family detached homes. In general, the housing is friendlier to aging adults, often being more compact, with easier navigation and no maintenance or yard work to worry about.

Since independent living facilities are aimed at older adults who need little or no assistance with activities of daily living, most do not offer medical care or nursing staff. You can, however, hire in-home help separately as required.

• Assisted Living

What makes assisted living communities different than independent senior living communities is the personalized care in a residential setting. They’re for seniors whose health or well-being requires a higher level of support, which is determined through a health assessment by the community according to state regulations. Assisted living is a great housing choice for seniors who are no longer capable of living alone, but want to maintain a social, active lifestyle.

• Nursing Home

Also called skilled nursing facilities or convalescent homes — are designed for seniors who require full-time monitoring and medical assistance. These facilities offer the highest level of care for seniors who don’t require hospitalization but do need day-to-day medical care, in addition, to help with daily living.

Medicaid and Nursing Homes

Moving Your Aging Parent to be Closer to Family

Because no one lives in Florida to be around dad we feel it’s in his best interest to live near me and my family. When he fell he couldn’t get up. He laid on the floor for 4 days (without water which is deadly for seniors) before we called the sheriff’s department to find him. We had all called and emailed him for days without a response. That’s when we knew something terrible has happened to him.

If he had lived near one of us, this scary incident wouldn’t have been as serious. He didn’t have any broken bones or a concussion from his fall. However, he got severe pressure wounds on the right side of his body as a result of not moving or shifting for 4 days.

The conversation of moving your loved ones is difficult on its own, but deciding when it’s time to have the conversation is just as tough. It may not be safe for your parents to live in their home anymore, because their inability to clean and maintain their current residence can cause potential health problems (mold, pests) and dangerous living conditions (faulty wiring, leaky pipes). There’s also the issue of whether or not your loved ones are able to physically and mentally live on their own anymore.

Do we move our aging parents so we can keep a closer eye on them, or do we stumble along with visits and long-distance caregiving? I wish I could say which is best. Both options are imperfect and will present difficulties. Every situation is different, every family is different, and every senior is different. You will probably face resistance and your elder parents will likely be unhappy, at least for a little while, no matter what you do.

Senior Moving Checklist

Elder Care Decisions Are Never Easy

Aging may not be for sissies, but neither is caring for your aging parents. You will face serious hurdles no matter what decision you make. If incompetence is a factor, it’s likely you will have to make the decision for them, and they won’t like that. You’ll second guess yourself all the way through. But, if you make choices with your loved ones’ well-being in mind, then that’s all you can do. Just be sure to make your mental and physical health deciding factors as well. Everyone isn’t going to be pleased all the time. All you can do is your best.

Be kind. Be thoughtful. Realize that your loved ones have choices as long as they are mentally competent.

Always have their best interest at heart.

Thank you for stopping by today!

Thank you to A Place For Mom for having the resources and an agent to help me navigate this new path that I’m on!